Cooking up a storm!

Whoah, it has been a bit of time since my last post. I've actually started writing a book, which has taken away from my blogging. As I was driving today to my stepdaughter's 20th birthday party, I got inspired to blog!

People that know me know how I LOVE to cook; like LOVE it. My happy place is my kitchen, chopping, cooking, sauteing, roasting...you get me. Music streaming, a full house of people to feed, and a yummy bottle of wine to share. For me, it doesn't get much better than that.

Lately, I've been cooking up a storm. Not just literally, but figuratively.

I have been cooking, writing, cleaning, sleeping, trudging, running, crying, laughing, reading, and healing. My brain is on full speed - working as a 5th grade teacher, balancing life as a mom, daughter, sister, friend, colleague...where does the me-time happen? The quiet time? The silent house? Ahhhhh!

Be careful what you wish for...the quiet time has arrived...somewhat.

Being single is not a status; it is a journey. It's not the easiest of journeys but it is one I am embarking on. The "storm" I have been cooking up has been one of self-realization and of self-love. For many years, I have allowed chaos to rule my world, allowed self-doubt to direct my paths, and have enabled those who didn't always want what was best for me.

Coming out on the other side of heartbreak is an amazing feat. When you wake up one day, and realize something doesn't "hurt" anymore, it is a great feeling. The lingering memory and emotions hang out for a bit, but the clarity that is discovered is beyond words. When you fight the healing process, you end up just fighting yourself. In the past, I've blogged passionately about moving forward, letting go, forgiveness, listening to your gut, and being your own champion. (Maybe I should revisit those posts?)

I am my own woman. I own a home and a car, and I support myself and my children by working hard, praying faithfully, and believing I can always do better. Knowing that a lot of THIS has emerged from the ashes of hurt and heartbreak only continues to prove to me that I can do this and I will be OK. Dang it, I will be better than OK...I am going to be the best version of me I have ever been!

We are 21 days away from Christmas, and I feel as if I am in uncharted territory. I am not necessarily scared, or worried, or even sad about spending the holiday season single. I've learned recently there is a very big difference between being lonely and being alone.

I am hopeful. I am enlightened. And I am healing. An ongoing process of daily a-ha moments, quiet evenings, mind-clearing runs, and spending time "cooking up a storm".

1 Corinthians 13:8 Love never fails.

Things I Learned Over The Summer...

1. Love is incredible. Incredible and overwhelming and can blind you to what is rational. This doesn't serve as a warning but more as a mildly abrasive lesson. Pay attention to red flags and most importantly, pay attention to your gut.

2. Friendships end. Sometimes it is unexpected...sometimes it is a slow "crockpot" process. But friendships end. It happens. And it hurts. But take the very best and move forward. No grudges.

3. Move forward. Rear view mirrors are for cars. Not for our brains or hearts.

4. Surround yourself with people that want the best for you.

5. Anxiety can cripple you. Don't let it take over your life. Figure out your trigger(s) and sort it out. Life is too short to walk around on eggshells, enduring sleepless nights and feeling "less than".

6. Care only what other people think if they are looking out for YOUR best interests. Everyone else can go fly a kite.

7. Pray. Pray even if you are not sure what you believe in. Pray for others, pray for peace and pray for yourself. It's not selfish. It is freeing.

8. Forgive yourself. And forgive others. Reality is, you are only hurting yourself when you withhold forgiveness.

9. It's completely OK to have a conversation with yourself in the mirror. It isn't crazy. Self-talk can be an uplifting, inspirational experience. Our own voices often are drowned out by life and all its madness. (However, if you find the ONLY person you are having a "conversation" with is yourself, you might want to seek some help? Just a thought.)

10. Your children see, feel, hear, and know more than you think. If you are facing a challenge in life, whatever it may be, how you respond to it is how THEY will. Think about that.

11. Watch your words. Watch them fall out of your mouth into another person's ear and be mindful of that. Words can cut or words can heal; words can burn or words can calm.

I am sure there were many more lessons I learned over this past summer. These are the ones that have been on the forefront of my mind and tugging at my heart. We all have a story and we are all trudging on in this journey.

Embrace all the good you see and run with it. It's so much easier to run with gratitude and hope than be weighed down with regret and despair.

Settle Down Nomad!

I have moved close to 10 times in 8 years. Packed up my children, my stuff, my heart...my life close to 10 times in less than a decade. Was I running? Maybe. Running from myself? From hurt? Who knows. This year, with the help of God, close friends and family, I purchased my own home.

An anchor. Finally. I walk around my house everyday in awe..."this is mine...this home is for me and my children..." It is humbling and scary and absolutely wonderful at the same time. I could compare it to a giant super fast roller coaster (Cheetah Hunt maybe?) in which you are strapped in but at the mercy of the twists, turns, and the impending drops after a slow, deliberate rise.

In the past 9 years, I have experienced so much in my "travels". Great love, incredible heartache, sweet wonderful moments with children, fantastic trips with friends, and then...I have experienced complete and utter derailment. I have prayed in my best moments, and I have begged for forgiveness in my worst and my heart is the fragile element that has yet to heal from all of the hurt. Time...time...time, right? Sure.

At 42 1/2 years old, I am in this new place. I have left toxicity behind, filling the void with people and things that desire the same as myself...peace and inner prosperity. Let me tell you though, the hurt and the emotions involved with making that choice has been almost unbearable. I cannot (and will not) let it overtake me and I will never go back.
Never.

One of the definitions of anchor is truly my fave...a person or thing that provides strength and support. I AM that person to my children, to my students and I need to figure out how to be that to myself. Anyone with me on this? I have to remind myself daily to embrace what is wonderful and true, and to let go of the rest.

Maybe my next nomadic adventure should be the one in which I find myself? Once and for all. Be my own anchor!

Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Good Grief!

Grief is defined as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. "Good grief" must be an oxymoron, yes? There is no such thing as "good grief". Or is there? Grief, just like hurt or anger, is a product of an experience, an emotional product and in due time, if healing is allowed to happen, can produce more balance and serenity in your life. Grief can come from losing someone, something, and can also come from a lost dream or relationship. We have all experienced grief in some way, shape or form. But have we seen the other side of it? The beautiful, healed, strong and balanced side of grief? Where worry no longer exists and new passions are discovered within the ashes?

I have grieved family members and friends, relationships and yes, I have grieved dreams. But what has come of the grief? Memories of my loved ones remain within my spirit and I smile when I think of them; I have grown immensely from every single relationship I have ever had. My dreams? Well...more often than not, God has different plans for all of us than we do. Ironically, I truly believe He knows and wants what is best for us, even when I seemingly don't get my way.

Please remind yourself of something. In all things, we are NOT perfect. Far from it. We mishandle situations, we react defensively, we cry when we don't want to, we fear what we don't know and we hold onto regrets. And we hold grudges which keeps us from moving through life's experiences, including, yes, grief.

At 42 years old, I have learned some tough lessons. But after several dozen conversations with myself in the mirror, I feel pretty damn good about me. In my own eyes, I am a success and good-hearted woman. I am learning everyday, not just from my failures, but from my achievements. Each "roadblock" is a stepping stone to the next adventure.

Embrace it. Own it. Move past it...one tiny step at a time. Life is too short to hold onto anger, resentment, regret, bitterness and yes...grief.

Voices In Your Head

When people talk about "voices in your head", you may think they are referring to someone a little bit off their rocker, if you catch my drift. Reality check - all of us have voices in our heads. Some are super loud and pretty darn hard to turn off; some voices we ignore (even if maybe we shouldn't? But that's another blog post!), and then there are THE voices that tear us down from the inside out. Those are the voices that we need to turn off, permanently.

I have been writing, journal-ling, and blogging for years and of course there is a personal pleasure and benefit to it; I wouldn't do it if there wasn't. Sometimes, just seeing the words in front of me is cleansing enough and I can work through something pretty quickly just by writing it out. Lately, the voices in my head have been changing. The volume is higher, the words are clearer and the message is an overall wake-up call. What do I need to do to retrain my brain? What can you do to retrain your brain to like you? To love you? To appreciate you and forgive you and believe you?

You can fear nothing. That's what you can do. Fear is directly tied to worry, and I will spare you the lecture on how worry is a joy-stealer! There is no one out there that operates well from fear. It is linked to so many unhealthy emotions - anxiety, self-loathing, doubt...the list goes on and on. We are here to thrive and love and live out every single day as if it is our very last. There are 365 references to fear in the Bible...one for every day...and do you think they say "fear everything?" Absolutely not.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Built up your mind like a Lego fortress...piece by piece, day by day, page by page.

Build it up with positive affirmations, and positive reflections and surround yourself with those who believe in the person you are AND the person you will become. Growth and personal change happens over a period of time and experiences.
Trust yourself, love yourself, and fear nothing.

"Changes the voices in your head. Make them like you instead. - P!nk

No Discounts Accepted Here!

Figuring out your "worth" is not about money, about material things or about real estate; it's about the beautiful brain inside your head and that amazing beating heart in your chest...it's about setting boundaries and knowing through and through what is right within your soul and what is not. Figuring out your "worth" is a product of many things, mainly life experiences. Not all life experiences are good, of course, but should that make you WORTH LESS or WORTH MORE? Because if you are reading this, you have survived 100% of what has already faced you.

As stated on Webster.com, a simple definition of worth: an amount of something that has a specified value that lasts for a specified length of time. So VALUE is directly related to WORTH...hmmmmmm. And time? I guess the "specified length of time" is how long YOU specify!

What do YOU value? Your faith, your home, your kids, your family, your work, your colleagues, your...? So doesn't it make perfect sense that if someone OR something comes into your life and devalues your home, your kids, your family, your work....that they are taking from your WORTH?

Take a moment or two and recall some moments in your life in which you felt full of worth and full of value. Where were you? Who were you with? How did it make your brain and your heart feel? Now, let's reflect on a moment where your value and worth were lessened, by words or actions or results of someone's hurtful choices.

I am going to leave you with this thought today. YOU ARE WORTH MORE and your life and all that is in it has GREAT VALUE. Anything or anyone that questions your worth or value is not worth your valuable time!



Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Heal thyself and be OK with you

At 42 years old, I still struggle with me. My thoughts and my opinions often take a back seat. I have this mentality of "choosing what matters" but shouldn't my feelings and hurts and struggles always matter?

It's far past the point of people-pleasing. I hate rocking the boat. Confrontation and I just don't mix. I get that feeling in my stomach - not the cutesy butterfly bs...THE nauseous "I ain't gonna make it" feeling. I make the cliche "avoiding it like the plague" look like an episode on Nickelodeon. Kinda funny and exit stage left!

One of the most intense relationships I ever had was chock-full of me...but was also filled with confrontation. Balance was never found and it was the worst heartbreak I have ever endured to this day. It could be easily painted as a boxing ring...my demons...his demons...our demons. All fighting it out, taking short respites in our "corners" and what was left was fractured hearts and badly-bruised beings.

The bruises have healed and the heart is taped back together - the scars are there, but along with them is the strength within those scars. I feel empowered and hopeful and I am slowly but surely achieving a balance within myself.
I think that is what I have been missing for so long - balance.

Allowing myself to heal has been my biggest challenge. I am a very selfless person.
I over-obligate myself, have a tough time saying no and often put everyone and their needs before my own. After awhile, all the "stuff" I keep in begins to surface and let me tell ya, it ain't pretty when it comes out!

To paint a clearer picture for you, imagine a porcelain plate (representing your heart) shattering on a clean tiled floor. You will find pieces of that plate for months...maybe even years. That's how I have learned to visualize a broken heart and its healing process. The "bulk of the plate" gets cleaned up immediately but bits keep emerging...often causing renewed pain (especially if you happen to step on a piece!)

Does time heal all wounds? I don't know. I wish I could say why yes, yes it does!
Heartache, as we know, involves the heart. Love is the strongest force on this planet...maybe even in the universe I believe.
I'm beginning to see that the love we all desire to have with someone else must be found within ourselves first.

Self-love isn't about being over-confident or selfish; it is about prioritizing your own needs so you can better love and serve others! Take some time for you.
Set a goal, pray, journal, sing, listen to music or just be.
Heal thyself and be OK with you.

Shoulda Coulda Woulda

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." George Eliot

Funny. As I was sitting on the bike at physical therapy yesterday, I looked up at the office white board and saw this "quote of the day". I had seen this quote before...heck I have probably shared this with friends. But I never really let it sink in. Think for a moment how absolutely true this quote is!

Quick backstory...teaching is my third career. It's my first love, but my third career. When I became a teacher, so many of my friends and family came out of the woodwork and congratulated me for finally pursuing my dream of becoming a teacher. It was exciting and scary and I haven't regretted it. Have I questioned it? I have my moments (it's a tough job let's be honest here!)

Several months ago, I read an interesting article that talked about words or phrases we need to avoid within our day-to-day conversations. One was "should have", one was "could have" and another, of course, was "would have". The old shoulda coulda woulda mentality.

Guess what? Newsflash. Yesterday is history. OVER. You can sit there and let it fester, let it swirl around, allow it to take over and blind you from the present. You can never change it. All you can do is learn from it and move on. Be better by it and be happier by it! You figured it out! How exciting right?

It doesn't matter if you feel that you've spent years in the wrong place...maybe you need to shift your thinking just a smidge. Maybe the place you have been is the launching pad...the stepping stone...the bridge to your future greatness. The journey is still yours.

Hey, I shoulda coulda woulda done many things differently; thinking that way will only cause me to question all that I have and all that I have become. And most importantly, it may cause me to miss this awesome thing called life happening right before my eyes.

Put your hand on your chest and feel that heart beating! You have purpose and meaning and a role in this "play". Act it out. Walk it out. Be the very best YOU can be...everyday.

It's perfectly fine...

It's perfectly fine that I came home at 7pm, put on my pajamas and sat in front of the television.
It's perfectly fine that my laundry is running down the hall, dying to be washed.
And you bet your butt, it's perfectly fine I had cereal for dinner!

In a world of constant expectation and continuous disappointment, it's freeing to throw caution to the wind and just choose to not be perfect. At 42 (yes, can you believe it?), this is MY year. I have amazing children who love me (even if they don't like me sometimes), bought a house on my own, co-coached a baseball team with great friends, have found contentment and peace within a loving relationship, have amazing students constantly surrounding me along with some pretty great colleagues...and oh my friends...my pillars!

My advice to you? Stop trying to impress others. Stop trading status for state of mind. Be blessed. Be happy. Just BE!

If you find that you are comparing yourself to others, STOP. Your story is unique; your walk is your own.
Your journey is just that...YOUR JOURNEY.

It's perfectly fine to forgive the supposed "unforgivable" (isn't that what God does every day?!)
It's perfectly fine to be happy for those that have hurt you. Let them be happy. Maybe they won't hurt anyone else.
It's perfectly fine to be alone and it's perfectly fine to be in a relationship....the point is...do what YOU want. I have said this dozens of time and I continue to say it...you are given one life with an ability to give lots of love and experience endless opportunity so don't flipping waste it.
Be perfectly fine with not being perfect.

*This post is dedicated to Chloe Jennings...who has inspired me to "pick up" my blog again and start writing. Thank you Chloe...I love you and respect you oodles!!