So it has been close to a year since my "Lost" post. When I was revisiting my blog today (shame on me it's been months but life is life, right?), I read my August 20th, 2013 post and I was immediately humbled. Self-reflection will do that!
I have finally landed a permanent job as a fifth grade teacher at an amazing school after two years of temporary contract positions. My kids will be with me at my new school, and the simplicity of that will help me "battle" the overwhelming job I have ahead of me this upcoming school year.
The question still looms...why do I still feel lost? I am in a career I have dreamed about pursuing for two decades. I have beautiful, healthy, smart children who still think I am awesome - for real! My friends and family keep me laughing and real (and a tiny bit insane), and my heart keeps me aware of the ongoing pursuit of happiness and the great task of trying to figure ME out.
What makes me tick? What intrinsically motivates me or makes me happy? It's common sense to know if mom is happy, the kids are happy, right? And if I can find an internal happiness and peace with myself, then finding happiness with someone else is a no-brainer, right? So how...how do I get there?
After yet another sleepless night, I mentally prepared an emotional "to do list".
1. Accept where I am at, no matter what the circumstances are, and if I want something to change, I need to act on it and DO something.
2. Stop thinking about the past. It's in the past. Learn from it. Move on.
3. Look at what I have...all my blessings, gifts, talents, and inspirations. Embrace them and share them, and keep them close to my heart for the tough times.
4. Tough times are going to happen. They shape us, and build our character. I read a quote this morning by Henry Ford. "Obstacles are those frightening things you see when you take your eyes off the goal."
5. Change doesn't happen overnight. And forcing things to happen will just put me down another wrong path. I need to let things happen. Pray everyday. And cease worrying.
I used to believe that thinking about me and my needs and my desires was a selfish thing to do. I would put everyone and everything ahead of me...assuming that was the right thing to do...the generous selfless thing to do. In reality, when you do not take time for YOU, it becomes a very selfish thing because you begin to rely on people and things to make you happy. You keep digging and digging a hole with the "shovel of saving the world". I need saving. And I am the only one who can do it! Starting with giving myself credit where credit is due, and realizing that my feelings matter. My dreams matter. My heart matters.
If you are feeling lost, you are not alone. But in order to find yourself, you need to prioritize yourself and come to the conclusion that it is OK to focus on you...on your spiritual and emotional growth. Each action we commit can have a rippling effect...a small wave of wrong choices and assumptions can turn into a tidal wave of hurt feelings and emptiness. Loving yourself is not a selfish thing. When you truly love you, you can love others better
