Heal thyself and be OK with you

At 42 years old, I still struggle with me. My thoughts and my opinions often take a back seat. I have this mentality of "choosing what matters" but shouldn't my feelings and hurts and struggles always matter?

It's far past the point of people-pleasing. I hate rocking the boat. Confrontation and I just don't mix. I get that feeling in my stomach - not the cutesy butterfly bs...THE nauseous "I ain't gonna make it" feeling. I make the cliche "avoiding it like the plague" look like an episode on Nickelodeon. Kinda funny and exit stage left!

One of the most intense relationships I ever had was chock-full of me...but was also filled with confrontation. Balance was never found and it was the worst heartbreak I have ever endured to this day. It could be easily painted as a boxing ring...my demons...his demons...our demons. All fighting it out, taking short respites in our "corners" and what was left was fractured hearts and badly-bruised beings.

The bruises have healed and the heart is taped back together - the scars are there, but along with them is the strength within those scars. I feel empowered and hopeful and I am slowly but surely achieving a balance within myself.
I think that is what I have been missing for so long - balance.

Allowing myself to heal has been my biggest challenge. I am a very selfless person.
I over-obligate myself, have a tough time saying no and often put everyone and their needs before my own. After awhile, all the "stuff" I keep in begins to surface and let me tell ya, it ain't pretty when it comes out!

To paint a clearer picture for you, imagine a porcelain plate (representing your heart) shattering on a clean tiled floor. You will find pieces of that plate for months...maybe even years. That's how I have learned to visualize a broken heart and its healing process. The "bulk of the plate" gets cleaned up immediately but bits keep emerging...often causing renewed pain (especially if you happen to step on a piece!)

Does time heal all wounds? I don't know. I wish I could say why yes, yes it does!
Heartache, as we know, involves the heart. Love is the strongest force on this planet...maybe even in the universe I believe.
I'm beginning to see that the love we all desire to have with someone else must be found within ourselves first.

Self-love isn't about being over-confident or selfish; it is about prioritizing your own needs so you can better love and serve others! Take some time for you.
Set a goal, pray, journal, sing, listen to music or just be.
Heal thyself and be OK with you.