Recovering drama-holic

Per Webster's online dictionary, drama is a state, situation, or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces. What stuck out to me is "interesting or intense conflict of forces."

Ask yourself, do you invite drama to your life? Do you cultivate it? Do you seek out drama?

Lets dissect this definition, shall we?
The "interesting" part is what brings us in.
The "intense" part is what creates anxiety.
The "conflict" part is actually what feeds our innate need to "help and fix" a situation.

The word conflict spells out one thing...T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

As someone who is an active "mental" attendee of DA (Drama Anonymous) I will tell you that being addicted to drama is an underlying lifestyle addiction that is very hard to quit...and it can be a real struggle to not only walk away from drama, but to stop creating it and allowing it within your own life.

I recall driving in my car and getting mentally overwhelmed with anxiety about work, family, friend and relationship situations and I had to talk myself down from the ledge. Part of my ongoing "recovery" has been utilizing coping strategies to battle the entrance of drama into my life.

I will spare you the dramatic situations that caused the anxiety (part of my recovery!).
I will share with you instead some awesome drama-free living coping strategies. Here goes...

1. Ask yourself "how is this situation making me feel?" Often, the hardest part is tapping into your own feelings and channeling your true emotions about a situation.

2. Is this going to matter in a day? A week? A month from now? I have found that stepping back and viewing the moment outside of the moment can give you clarity and also prevent further thought. Choose what matters.

3. When your mind is waking you up at 3am, it is trying to tell you something. Instead of battling it, face it. Write it down and look at what you are anxious or mentally stressing about in your own handwriting. You would be amazed at how that can help you through a sleepless night.

4. Know your boundaries, limitations and your absolutes. This was (and is) my biggest struggle as a recovering drama-holic. I am a caring, selfless person. I have made the mistake of caring too much, sharing too much, and spreading myself thin to the point I didn't know where Tiffany started and where the drama ended. My boundaries are getting less blurry and my absolutes? Well...let's just say I am at the point where "drama" or "conflict" is giving me a physical reaction.

5. Trust your gut. Yes. I said that. I have ignored, fought, turned away from my gut. And it has gotten me in some hot water. Don't negotiate with your gut. You will lose in the long run, and may lose a lot more than just the battle with your gut instinct.

This post was one of the hardest ones for me to share. (I've been working on it for nearly two months!)
Letting go and turning your back to drama sounds like an easy thing to do. What I have recently learned about me is that for many years I "thrived" in chaos, not knowing how to allow the natural flow of life to occur or for certain life events to play out on their own. Sounds silly I know but I always had this skewed perception that if I tried hard enough, and involved myself enough, the desired outcome would eventually happen, even if it nearly cost me myself. But admitting the problem is the first step to drama-free living.


My daughter coined it perfectly!
"Mom, it's better to walk away from a bad scene then be stuck in a movie."
Ahhhhh....from the mouth of babes, right?

It's ok to love yourself.

Self love.
For many years of my life, I associated self love with being selfish. Loving your self is actually one of the most selfless things you can do, or least selfish depending on how you look at it!

Taking time for you and investing in yourself and your hopes, dreams and goals not only improves and builds upon your self worth that this tired negative world is constantly trying to "steal" from, but it improves your relationships with others around you. Yes...taking care of you can help you be a better parent, friend, partner, sibling, co-worker, etc.

Raise your hand if you like hanging out with a chronic complainer? A miserable stressed out impatient, negative person? I still don't see your hand. Wanna know why? Because it isn't fun filling someone else's cup ALL THE TIME when you have to keep some "life water" in your own cups. The successful give and take in all things in life requires balance.

My biggest hurdle was (and is) guilt. Feeling guilty about taking alone time to catch up on a favorite show, letting the laundry build up and the dishes go undone, leaving the phone behind, sometimes just doing nothing, and the biggest "guilt strike" is me saying no.

"No, I can't" is hard for an overachiever like myself to say (aren't we all trying to over achieve on something?). I have this fear of missing out on things, fear of not belonging and the ultimate fear of letting people down.

"Get over it, Tiffany" I finally said to myself in the mirror. "Stop trying to save the world, and attempting to be the saver to others and start saving yourself."

These are some steps that I am taking (and continually taking) as I am a beautiful work in progress:
1. Make a list of what you want your life to look like. If that is too overwhelming, then ask yourself what you want your year, month, week or even day, to look like.

2. Look around - what can you purge? How can you simplify? Having too much stuff can actually contribute to our anxieties and distract us from what is truly important.

3. Go off the grid once in a while. Sure, it can be fun to post about where you are, what you're eating, who you are with but sometimes it's pretty cool just to chill with yourself or friends/family without going all social media crazy.

4. We all got crap. All of us. Don't judge other people's crap and don't allow someone else's judgement of your crap get to you. Love you and all your flaws.

5. Create a playlist of songs that lift you up, that get you in a successful growth mindset. Play it when things are quiet and your mind tends to travel to places it shouldn't go. (I call those places doubtville, self-sabotageville, regretville or one of my personal favorites, toomuchdramaville.)

6. Don't wrestle with your past. One can compare it to wrestling with a ghost...you can swipe at it but it isn't going to make one bit of difference. Learn from mistakes, take the good and move forward. Sounds super cliche but it's not an easy task.

7. And lastly, retrain your brain. Look at yourself in the mirror and pick out 5, 10, 15 things you love about you, your mind and your body. Build on that list often and take note. Create a self-love gratitude journal, maybe?

That's all for now.

As I write while looking out the passenger window at the cars going by, traveling from one place to another, I am pensive...thinking about what lies ahead, trying my best to enjoy the ride and admire the reflection staring back at me in the side view mirror.

Cooking up a storm!

Whoah, it has been a bit of time since my last post. I've actually started writing a book, which has taken away from my blogging. As I was driving today to my stepdaughter's 20th birthday party, I got inspired to blog!

People that know me know how I LOVE to cook; like LOVE it. My happy place is my kitchen, chopping, cooking, sauteing, roasting...you get me. Music streaming, a full house of people to feed, and a yummy bottle of wine to share. For me, it doesn't get much better than that.

Lately, I've been cooking up a storm. Not just literally, but figuratively.

I have been cooking, writing, cleaning, sleeping, trudging, running, crying, laughing, reading, and healing. My brain is on full speed - working as a 5th grade teacher, balancing life as a mom, daughter, sister, friend, colleague...where does the me-time happen? The quiet time? The silent house? Ahhhhh!

Be careful what you wish for...the quiet time has arrived...somewhat.

Being single is not a status; it is a journey. It's not the easiest of journeys but it is one I am embarking on. The "storm" I have been cooking up has been one of self-realization and of self-love. For many years, I have allowed chaos to rule my world, allowed self-doubt to direct my paths, and have enabled those who didn't always want what was best for me.

Coming out on the other side of heartbreak is an amazing feat. When you wake up one day, and realize something doesn't "hurt" anymore, it is a great feeling. The lingering memory and emotions hang out for a bit, but the clarity that is discovered is beyond words. When you fight the healing process, you end up just fighting yourself. In the past, I've blogged passionately about moving forward, letting go, forgiveness, listening to your gut, and being your own champion. (Maybe I should revisit those posts?)

I am my own woman. I own a home and a car, and I support myself and my children by working hard, praying faithfully, and believing I can always do better. Knowing that a lot of THIS has emerged from the ashes of hurt and heartbreak only continues to prove to me that I can do this and I will be OK. Dang it, I will be better than OK...I am going to be the best version of me I have ever been!

We are 21 days away from Christmas, and I feel as if I am in uncharted territory. I am not necessarily scared, or worried, or even sad about spending the holiday season single. I've learned recently there is a very big difference between being lonely and being alone.

I am hopeful. I am enlightened. And I am healing. An ongoing process of daily a-ha moments, quiet evenings, mind-clearing runs, and spending time "cooking up a storm".

1 Corinthians 13:8 Love never fails.

Things I Learned Over The Summer...

1. Love is incredible. Incredible and overwhelming and can blind you to what is rational. This doesn't serve as a warning but more as a mildly abrasive lesson. Pay attention to red flags and most importantly, pay attention to your gut.

2. Friendships end. Sometimes it is unexpected...sometimes it is a slow "crockpot" process. But friendships end. It happens. And it hurts. But take the very best and move forward. No grudges.

3. Move forward. Rear view mirrors are for cars. Not for our brains or hearts.

4. Surround yourself with people that want the best for you.

5. Anxiety can cripple you. Don't let it take over your life. Figure out your trigger(s) and sort it out. Life is too short to walk around on eggshells, enduring sleepless nights and feeling "less than".

6. Care only what other people think if they are looking out for YOUR best interests. Everyone else can go fly a kite.

7. Pray. Pray even if you are not sure what you believe in. Pray for others, pray for peace and pray for yourself. It's not selfish. It is freeing.

8. Forgive yourself. And forgive others. Reality is, you are only hurting yourself when you withhold forgiveness.

9. It's completely OK to have a conversation with yourself in the mirror. It isn't crazy. Self-talk can be an uplifting, inspirational experience. Our own voices often are drowned out by life and all its madness. (However, if you find the ONLY person you are having a "conversation" with is yourself, you might want to seek some help? Just a thought.)

10. Your children see, feel, hear, and know more than you think. If you are facing a challenge in life, whatever it may be, how you respond to it is how THEY will. Think about that.

11. Watch your words. Watch them fall out of your mouth into another person's ear and be mindful of that. Words can cut or words can heal; words can burn or words can calm.

I am sure there were many more lessons I learned over this past summer. These are the ones that have been on the forefront of my mind and tugging at my heart. We all have a story and we are all trudging on in this journey.

Embrace all the good you see and run with it. It's so much easier to run with gratitude and hope than be weighed down with regret and despair.

Settle Down Nomad!

I have moved close to 10 times in 8 years. Packed up my children, my stuff, my heart...my life close to 10 times in less than a decade. Was I running? Maybe. Running from myself? From hurt? Who knows. This year, with the help of God, close friends and family, I purchased my own home.

An anchor. Finally. I walk around my house everyday in awe..."this is mine...this home is for me and my children..." It is humbling and scary and absolutely wonderful at the same time. I could compare it to a giant super fast roller coaster (Cheetah Hunt maybe?) in which you are strapped in but at the mercy of the twists, turns, and the impending drops after a slow, deliberate rise.

In the past 9 years, I have experienced so much in my "travels". Great love, incredible heartache, sweet wonderful moments with children, fantastic trips with friends, and then...I have experienced complete and utter derailment. I have prayed in my best moments, and I have begged for forgiveness in my worst and my heart is the fragile element that has yet to heal from all of the hurt. Time...time...time, right? Sure.

At 42 1/2 years old, I am in this new place. I have left toxicity behind, filling the void with people and things that desire the same as myself...peace and inner prosperity. Let me tell you though, the hurt and the emotions involved with making that choice has been almost unbearable. I cannot (and will not) let it overtake me and I will never go back.
Never.

One of the definitions of anchor is truly my fave...a person or thing that provides strength and support. I AM that person to my children, to my students and I need to figure out how to be that to myself. Anyone with me on this? I have to remind myself daily to embrace what is wonderful and true, and to let go of the rest.

Maybe my next nomadic adventure should be the one in which I find myself? Once and for all. Be my own anchor!

Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Good Grief!

Grief is defined as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. "Good grief" must be an oxymoron, yes? There is no such thing as "good grief". Or is there? Grief, just like hurt or anger, is a product of an experience, an emotional product and in due time, if healing is allowed to happen, can produce more balance and serenity in your life. Grief can come from losing someone, something, and can also come from a lost dream or relationship. We have all experienced grief in some way, shape or form. But have we seen the other side of it? The beautiful, healed, strong and balanced side of grief? Where worry no longer exists and new passions are discovered within the ashes?

I have grieved family members and friends, relationships and yes, I have grieved dreams. But what has come of the grief? Memories of my loved ones remain within my spirit and I smile when I think of them; I have grown immensely from every single relationship I have ever had. My dreams? Well...more often than not, God has different plans for all of us than we do. Ironically, I truly believe He knows and wants what is best for us, even when I seemingly don't get my way.

Please remind yourself of something. In all things, we are NOT perfect. Far from it. We mishandle situations, we react defensively, we cry when we don't want to, we fear what we don't know and we hold onto regrets. And we hold grudges which keeps us from moving through life's experiences, including, yes, grief.

At 42 years old, I have learned some tough lessons. But after several dozen conversations with myself in the mirror, I feel pretty damn good about me. In my own eyes, I am a success and good-hearted woman. I am learning everyday, not just from my failures, but from my achievements. Each "roadblock" is a stepping stone to the next adventure.

Embrace it. Own it. Move past it...one tiny step at a time. Life is too short to hold onto anger, resentment, regret, bitterness and yes...grief.

Voices In Your Head

When people talk about "voices in your head", you may think they are referring to someone a little bit off their rocker, if you catch my drift. Reality check - all of us have voices in our heads. Some are super loud and pretty darn hard to turn off; some voices we ignore (even if maybe we shouldn't? But that's another blog post!), and then there are THE voices that tear us down from the inside out. Those are the voices that we need to turn off, permanently.

I have been writing, journal-ling, and blogging for years and of course there is a personal pleasure and benefit to it; I wouldn't do it if there wasn't. Sometimes, just seeing the words in front of me is cleansing enough and I can work through something pretty quickly just by writing it out. Lately, the voices in my head have been changing. The volume is higher, the words are clearer and the message is an overall wake-up call. What do I need to do to retrain my brain? What can you do to retrain your brain to like you? To love you? To appreciate you and forgive you and believe you?

You can fear nothing. That's what you can do. Fear is directly tied to worry, and I will spare you the lecture on how worry is a joy-stealer! There is no one out there that operates well from fear. It is linked to so many unhealthy emotions - anxiety, self-loathing, doubt...the list goes on and on. We are here to thrive and love and live out every single day as if it is our very last. There are 365 references to fear in the Bible...one for every day...and do you think they say "fear everything?" Absolutely not.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Built up your mind like a Lego fortress...piece by piece, day by day, page by page.

Build it up with positive affirmations, and positive reflections and surround yourself with those who believe in the person you are AND the person you will become. Growth and personal change happens over a period of time and experiences.
Trust yourself, love yourself, and fear nothing.

"Changes the voices in your head. Make them like you instead. - P!nk