Life's unexpectedness

It's been months since I have written...months since I have had the least bit of inspiration.

Today I am sitting on the beach on the east coast with my two awesome kids and I am full!! Full of peace and contentment and I feel centered. The roar of the unpredictable Atlantic Ocean fills my wind-chapped ears. I am watching my kids dig in the wet mud and build things...to only watch their masterpieces washed away by the salty foamy waves.

Life's daily challenges are sometimes so unexpected they can throw us for a loop and derail us. Self doubt and regret take their seat in our minds and we question everything and are left with slivers of hope...like broken glass on a floor, how do we "peace" it back together???

I fill my days with so much - packed absolutely chock a block full - and I realize that my personal growth and my continuous need to change and better myself is choking me! Choking the life and the inspiration out of me! I am me...I am strong. I am a mother and a teacher and a friend and a sister and a daughter. I have learned to love roller coasters at the age of 40 (oh did I fail to mention I turned 40 three blurry weeks ago!) and I am trying to embrace the quiet and truly change what NEEDS to be changed.

Whoah it's a lot but day by day, step by step I look around at the people in our lives and I become thankful that they are on this journey with me...riding the rollercoasters justifiably titled life's unexpectedness.

Lost...or found?

So I am in the strangest place I have ever been. Unemployed. Not by choice. After my school adventure came to an amazing finish in late July with the successful passing of my last state teaching exam, I have been unable to find a job. And to be honest, I am lost. I am in limbo and I do not like it.

Here's the thing...my internal compass isn't "working" either. After one decision is made, I reel back and all of a sudden I am unsure of myself, doubting every move I make and I am standing in this dense forest of life, with no sign of a path, or even a trickle of sunlight. I am truly lost. Or maybe, this place is exactly where I am supposed to be. Hey, I am the preacher of choosing our happiness, making new paths, and following our dreams right? I took this gigantic leap of faith, walked away from a salary job with benefits, to pursue my dream of teaching. So maybe I am not really lost at all...maybe I have found that no matter how SURE we are, how ON FIRE we are for something maybe life has a different plan for me? God is watching saying, "slow down Tiff! You have been a speed ball for years, never slowing and rarely breathing and taking just a moment to look around and SEE WHAT I AM DOING!"

Yes, I am going to find a job as a teacher. The perfect job is out there, waiting for me and in my 40th year on this planet (February will bring me officially into my 4th decade of life God-willing!) I am finally starting to figure it out. Timing. Timing is the "regulation of occurrence, pace or coordination to achieve a desired affect". In the recent past, I have discussed consequence. Well consequence tends to be an undesired affect of choices so....if I am wanting a desired affect - which of course is me landing a job as an elementary teacher near or at my children's school - then shouldn't I let timing take its lovely, patient and forever unpredictable course?

A friend of mine shared with me some very good advice when she was going through the uncertainties of life; she said, "Tiffany, don't let circumstance determine your faith but let your FAITH determine your circumstance!" With that being said, I am not unemployed. I am not lost. I am expecting...expecting a great and wonderful "affect" in the near future. The perfect job that God and my faith has determined. I will embrace and enjoy this time, and know that I always have what I need...and should never want for anything that is not meant for me to have.

The Beauty of a Broken Heart

When most people think of a broken heart, they think of something shattered and ugly and just downright scary. I know personally speaking, it is something I never could quite wrap my head (or my heart) around. The definition of a broken heart is "devastating sorrow and despair". Wow. Not something you can really go to the doctors for either, right?

So why, why why why do we continue to invest and weather the stormy unpredictable seas of love if we are just to end up in sorrow and despair? Is it because we are hopeful that this time...this one...will be different? Or maybe it is because we were created on a beautiful amazing foundation of love?

From my perspective, I will tell you a broken heart can happen with great love, with our children, with our family, and with our friends. There is no love like the unrequited love though. The love that knows no boundaries, no conditions, no judgement...just an endless hope that someday somehow it will all work out just right.

I rarely reflect on my own such experiences, especially this one. My heart is currently in a condition that requires much healing, much prayer, much understanding but most of all, it still requires much LOVE. I still believe in love and I still believe in forever. And as I listen to the cliches from friends "time heals all wounds" and "this too shall pass" and blah blah blah...I have no regrets, only memories and smiles and a beautifully broken heart.

Once you have felt that pain of the loss of your love, you heart will feel broken, and dead. It will feel empty, but always know that every heartbreak you have only means you're a step closer to your real love - Salma Rodriguez

No Guilt - Just Growth

Guilt is an exhausting feeling. And it is a cycle that I have found myself taking an unhealthy part in for years. So how do you move from a standpoint of guilt to growth? How do you let go of what wrongs have happened in your life to make room for all the rights?

Acknowledging you have a guilt problem is the first step! Once you admit it to yourself (no, I am not asking you to shout it from the rooftops "I FEEL GUILTY!") but looking in the mirror and saying enough is enough...I am ready to live - that is your first step.



The next step is discovering where and when the guilt cycle began. The third and final step is moving from guilt to growth. Learning from the mistakes, holding ourselves accountable, and moving forward. This step has proven to be my most challenging BUT the most rewarding one. Day by day...minute by minute I can feel the guilt leaving my thought processes and steadily being replaced with a positive outlook, internal motivation and the belief that after all that has happened, my life has potential. I can see the change in me reflected in my children's eyes. The closer I get to living guilt free the farther away I get from the anxieties and fears that have filled my daily life for the better part of my adulthood.

I am responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my own growth. Guilt can be a heavy weight that holds you down from your life's purpose, and it can restrict your ability to grow and show the world your talents and your heart. Step lightly my friend, but step forward and press on!

“When guilt rears its ugly head confront it, discuss it and let it go. The past is over. It is time to ask what can we do right, not what did we do wrong. Forgive yourself and move on.” -- Bernie S. Siegel

On to the next chapter...

con·se·quence 

1.A result or effect of an action or condition.

 

Consequence.  In a way, we all live out an aspect of consequence every day.  We have all made different choices to get us to where we are at this very moment.  The idea of choice and consequence is actually the foundation of the book “The Travelers Gift” by Andy Andrews.  How we handle the consequences of our choices (whether they’re good or bad) is really what can create the long lasting change in our lives.

Have you ever read a book that is SO good you put all of your time and energy into reading it?   You know the book is going to end yet every free moment you have is spent turning those pages, eager for each detail.  The last page of the book…the last word…withdrawal sets in.  You do all you can to “re-enter” life but nothing fills the void.  Or maybe it was a special project you poured yourself into that is finished…or maybe it is even your favorite football team (by the way the Super Bowl is over!)

Back to my first point…consequence.  Consequence and balance fall hand in hand; when your life is out of balance, you will endure consequences.  We wake up, and try to be all things to all people. I like to think of an oven with all the burners set on high; no matter how hard you try and stir and maintain the four boiling pots one will spill over or something will get burned.  That’s why there are different settings on an oven and that’s we have to have different settings in our minds.   Our own wants and needs tend to get set aside and we go go go go go…then we break.  We break down and we break through. We tell ourselves “get up and start again” and without any choice, we do.  We look at what we have and it results in gratitude and humility.  And we progress without regret.

 

I feel a fire re-igniting from smoldering embers as I start the next chapter in my life.  One of focus and self-discovery.  Hopefully my writings will reflect it!  I just pray I have the strength to be what I need to be to all the beautiful children in my life – they are blessings from above and they look to me to BE their anchor in these stormy seas of life.

The Definition of Insanity

With that being said, why do we continue to repeat past behaviors and EXPECT different things to happen? Is our self-accountability level so low that we think we don’t need to make a change…that others need to change?  The answer is yes.  In the grand scheme of things, the only way your life is going to change is if you change the one person that controls it…you.  Just by changing the way you react to a circumstance or even to challenge yourself to set goals for yourself that you never deemed possible can put you on a life path of personal success and triumph. 

 

One of my shortcomings has always been to believe the very best in others but not in myself.  How can I preach “love yourself” and not practice it?  How can I legitimately write about inner passions fueling outward abilities and not follow through with it in my own life?  You whisper “hypocrite” as you read this but yet, aren’t we all guilty of expecting others to rise up to the changes we don’t have the courage to make within ourselves?  OUCH!  Yah well that’s the kind of writer I want to be.  Fearless…and truthful. 

 

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Ghandi

 

So I am putting myself out there…

I have been saying for 10 years (YES - 10) that I was going back to school. I am enrolled to start in January 2013 pending acceptance (keeping fingers crossed!)

I have been saying for over 5 years I wanted to write a book. Well it may take some time to publish but this is a pretty good start.

I want to be an independent strong woman…a great mother…a wonderful friend…and most of all humble.

The other day my daughter peeked up at me gawking at my mirror image and said “mom you don’t need to look in the mirror; you always look good”           

Ahhhhhh humility…

 

The challenge to you is learn what you can and apply it when needed and you will feel the change within you and see it around you.  The “insanity cycle” will cease to spin and results will be a whole lot better than you can even imagine. I promise.

 

Stay Inspired

I am finding more and more it’s so hard to find good and even harder to find inspiration.  How can we stay inspired?  Life beats us up on so many different levels…emotionally, spiritually and physically.  Getting up each day, putting our feet on the ground and moving forward can be a daily challenge and we’d be lying to ourselves if we said it was easy.

Life is what it is…embrace the valleys of your life. 

The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.
Horace Bushnell

My daily struggles range from work disappointment to child meltdowns to an empty wallet to the ultimate worry that I am just not good enough.

Find inspiration in EVERY little thing you can.  Laughter…a child’s voice…a favorite song…the sunshine…or a single quiet moment.  Our days on this earth are numbered…and each one is a gift.  This post may seem cliché but honestly and selfishly, I NEED TO BE INSPIRED.  And I need to remind myself how to be inspired.  So very blessed I am with healthy children, great love in my life, wonderful friends and family, a steady job, and a peaceful home. 

What inspires you?