Shoulda Coulda Woulda

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." George Eliot

Funny. As I was sitting on the bike at physical therapy yesterday, I looked up at the office white board and saw this "quote of the day". I had seen this quote before...heck I have probably shared this with friends. But I never really let it sink in. Think for a moment how absolutely true this quote is!

Quick backstory...teaching is my third career. It's my first love, but my third career. When I became a teacher, so many of my friends and family came out of the woodwork and congratulated me for finally pursuing my dream of becoming a teacher. It was exciting and scary and I haven't regretted it. Have I questioned it? I have my moments (it's a tough job let's be honest here!)

Several months ago, I read an interesting article that talked about words or phrases we need to avoid within our day-to-day conversations. One was "should have", one was "could have" and another, of course, was "would have". The old shoulda coulda woulda mentality.

Guess what? Newsflash. Yesterday is history. OVER. You can sit there and let it fester, let it swirl around, allow it to take over and blind you from the present. You can never change it. All you can do is learn from it and move on. Be better by it and be happier by it! You figured it out! How exciting right?

It doesn't matter if you feel that you've spent years in the wrong place...maybe you need to shift your thinking just a smidge. Maybe the place you have been is the launching pad...the stepping stone...the bridge to your future greatness. The journey is still yours.

Hey, I shoulda coulda woulda done many things differently; thinking that way will only cause me to question all that I have and all that I have become. And most importantly, it may cause me to miss this awesome thing called life happening right before my eyes.

Put your hand on your chest and feel that heart beating! You have purpose and meaning and a role in this "play". Act it out. Walk it out. Be the very best YOU can be...everyday.

It's perfectly fine...

It's perfectly fine that I came home at 7pm, put on my pajamas and sat in front of the television.
It's perfectly fine that my laundry is running down the hall, dying to be washed.
And you bet your butt, it's perfectly fine I had cereal for dinner!

In a world of constant expectation and continuous disappointment, it's freeing to throw caution to the wind and just choose to not be perfect. At 42 (yes, can you believe it?), this is MY year. I have amazing children who love me (even if they don't like me sometimes), bought a house on my own, co-coached a baseball team with great friends, have found contentment and peace within a loving relationship, have amazing students constantly surrounding me along with some pretty great colleagues...and oh my friends...my pillars!

My advice to you? Stop trying to impress others. Stop trading status for state of mind. Be blessed. Be happy. Just BE!

If you find that you are comparing yourself to others, STOP. Your story is unique; your walk is your own.
Your journey is just that...YOUR JOURNEY.

It's perfectly fine to forgive the supposed "unforgivable" (isn't that what God does every day?!)
It's perfectly fine to be happy for those that have hurt you. Let them be happy. Maybe they won't hurt anyone else.
It's perfectly fine to be alone and it's perfectly fine to be in a relationship....the point is...do what YOU want. I have said this dozens of time and I continue to say it...you are given one life with an ability to give lots of love and experience endless opportunity so don't flipping waste it.
Be perfectly fine with not being perfect.

*This post is dedicated to Chloe Jennings...who has inspired me to "pick up" my blog again and start writing. Thank you Chloe...I love you and respect you oodles!!

Be Kind To One Another

I did something I never do. I watched the news. I sat there and watched the "world unfold" with its tragedies, its politics and its negativity. I then logged onto my laptop and reviewed all the stories around the world...and I sighed a big heavy sigh.

Where did kindness go? And how the heck do people find the time to berate, "tweet", and put down others? People say they are so busy...so busy doing what? Spreading dislike for others? Judging? Ick. Sorry, I would rather spend my time enjoying life.

Can we isolate ourselves from the world? No. We can always stand up for what's right and for what we believe in, of course. Everyone is unique on this planet. EVERYONE. We have minds and spirits within us and we all...yes ALL of us...have purpose.

At the beginning of the school year, I give my 5th grade students a stern speech about respect.
It goes something like this: "Here's the deal...you are in 5th grade...the big duck in a little pond. You are at the top of your school three times in life so cherish this time! I want role models coming out of my classroom. I want to see respect for one another. Are we all going to like each other all the time? Most likely, no. But we will respect each other, we will listen to each other, and most importantly, we will LEARN from each other."

Keep in mind, I am speaking to 10-11 year-olds. And guess what? They eat it up. We revisit this "talk" several times during the year, and do we have great days? Heck yes we do. And it makes the ugly, drama-filled, tear-stained hurtful days a lot easier. We learn from these days. And as a class, we sit and talk about them.

I haven't blogged in close to a year. My dear friend told me my teaching kids is a "daily blog" - and I laugh and maybe she's right. I write when I am inspired or intrinsically motivated to do so.

Be kind to one another. Regardless of your inside personal opinions, your outward behavior is witnessed by your kids, your family, your friends, your peers, your colleagues, your students, and your spirit. Negativity toxifies our spirits, spreads like wildfire and slows our learning. Strive to learn something new everyday and be kind to one another.

Lost - The Sequel

So it has been close to a year since my "Lost" post. When I was revisiting my blog today (shame on me it's been months but life is life, right?), I read my August 20th, 2013 post and I was immediately humbled. Self-reflection will do that!

I have finally landed a permanent job as a fifth grade teacher at an amazing school after two years of temporary contract positions. My kids will be with me at my new school, and the simplicity of that will help me "battle" the overwhelming job I have ahead of me this upcoming school year.

The question still looms...why do I still feel lost? I am in a career I have dreamed about pursuing for two decades. I have beautiful, healthy, smart children who still think I am awesome - for real! My friends and family keep me laughing and real (and a tiny bit insane), and my heart keeps me aware of the ongoing pursuit of happiness and the great task of trying to figure ME out.

What makes me tick? What intrinsically motivates me or makes me happy? It's common sense to know if mom is happy, the kids are happy, right? And if I can find an internal happiness and peace with myself, then finding happiness with someone else is a no-brainer, right? So how...how do I get there?

After yet another sleepless night, I mentally prepared an emotional "to do list".

1. Accept where I am at, no matter what the circumstances are, and if I want something to change, I need to act on it and DO something.

2. Stop thinking about the past. It's in the past. Learn from it. Move on.

3. Look at what I have...all my blessings, gifts, talents, and inspirations. Embrace them and share them, and keep them close to my heart for the tough times.

4. Tough times are going to happen. They shape us, and build our character. I read a quote this morning by Henry Ford. "Obstacles are those frightening things you see when you take your eyes off the goal."

5. Change doesn't happen overnight. And forcing things to happen will just put me down another wrong path. I need to let things happen. Pray everyday. And cease worrying.

I used to believe that thinking about me and my needs and my desires was a selfish thing to do. I would put everyone and everything ahead of me...assuming that was the right thing to do...the generous selfless thing to do. In reality, when you do not take time for YOU, it becomes a very selfish thing because you begin to rely on people and things to make you happy. You keep digging and digging a hole with the "shovel of saving the world". I need saving. And I am the only one who can do it! Starting with giving myself credit where credit is due, and realizing that my feelings matter. My dreams matter. My heart matters.

If you are feeling lost, you are not alone. But in order to find yourself, you need to prioritize yourself and come to the conclusion that it is OK to focus on you...on your spiritual and emotional growth. Each action we commit can have a rippling effect...a small wave of wrong choices and assumptions can turn into a tidal wave of hurt feelings and emptiness. Loving yourself is not a selfish thing. When you truly love you, you can love others better

Life's unexpectedness

It's been months since I have written...months since I have had the least bit of inspiration.

Today I am sitting on the beach on the east coast with my two awesome kids and I am full!! Full of peace and contentment and I feel centered. The roar of the unpredictable Atlantic Ocean fills my wind-chapped ears. I am watching my kids dig in the wet mud and build things...to only watch their masterpieces washed away by the salty foamy waves.

Life's daily challenges are sometimes so unexpected they can throw us for a loop and derail us. Self doubt and regret take their seat in our minds and we question everything and are left with slivers of hope...like broken glass on a floor, how do we "peace" it back together???

I fill my days with so much - packed absolutely chock a block full - and I realize that my personal growth and my continuous need to change and better myself is choking me! Choking the life and the inspiration out of me! I am me...I am strong. I am a mother and a teacher and a friend and a sister and a daughter. I have learned to love roller coasters at the age of 40 (oh did I fail to mention I turned 40 three blurry weeks ago!) and I am trying to embrace the quiet and truly change what NEEDS to be changed.

Whoah it's a lot but day by day, step by step I look around at the people in our lives and I become thankful that they are on this journey with me...riding the rollercoasters justifiably titled life's unexpectedness.

Lost...or found?

So I am in the strangest place I have ever been. Unemployed. Not by choice. After my school adventure came to an amazing finish in late July with the successful passing of my last state teaching exam, I have been unable to find a job. And to be honest, I am lost. I am in limbo and I do not like it.

Here's the thing...my internal compass isn't "working" either. After one decision is made, I reel back and all of a sudden I am unsure of myself, doubting every move I make and I am standing in this dense forest of life, with no sign of a path, or even a trickle of sunlight. I am truly lost. Or maybe, this place is exactly where I am supposed to be. Hey, I am the preacher of choosing our happiness, making new paths, and following our dreams right? I took this gigantic leap of faith, walked away from a salary job with benefits, to pursue my dream of teaching. So maybe I am not really lost at all...maybe I have found that no matter how SURE we are, how ON FIRE we are for something maybe life has a different plan for me? God is watching saying, "slow down Tiff! You have been a speed ball for years, never slowing and rarely breathing and taking just a moment to look around and SEE WHAT I AM DOING!"

Yes, I am going to find a job as a teacher. The perfect job is out there, waiting for me and in my 40th year on this planet (February will bring me officially into my 4th decade of life God-willing!) I am finally starting to figure it out. Timing. Timing is the "regulation of occurrence, pace or coordination to achieve a desired affect". In the recent past, I have discussed consequence. Well consequence tends to be an undesired affect of choices so....if I am wanting a desired affect - which of course is me landing a job as an elementary teacher near or at my children's school - then shouldn't I let timing take its lovely, patient and forever unpredictable course?

A friend of mine shared with me some very good advice when she was going through the uncertainties of life; she said, "Tiffany, don't let circumstance determine your faith but let your FAITH determine your circumstance!" With that being said, I am not unemployed. I am not lost. I am expecting...expecting a great and wonderful "affect" in the near future. The perfect job that God and my faith has determined. I will embrace and enjoy this time, and know that I always have what I need...and should never want for anything that is not meant for me to have.

The Beauty of a Broken Heart

When most people think of a broken heart, they think of something shattered and ugly and just downright scary. I know personally speaking, it is something I never could quite wrap my head (or my heart) around. The definition of a broken heart is "devastating sorrow and despair". Wow. Not something you can really go to the doctors for either, right?

So why, why why why do we continue to invest and weather the stormy unpredictable seas of love if we are just to end up in sorrow and despair? Is it because we are hopeful that this time...this one...will be different? Or maybe it is because we were created on a beautiful amazing foundation of love?

From my perspective, I will tell you a broken heart can happen with great love, with our children, with our family, and with our friends. There is no love like the unrequited love though. The love that knows no boundaries, no conditions, no judgement...just an endless hope that someday somehow it will all work out just right.

I rarely reflect on my own such experiences, especially this one. My heart is currently in a condition that requires much healing, much prayer, much understanding but most of all, it still requires much LOVE. I still believe in love and I still believe in forever. And as I listen to the cliches from friends "time heals all wounds" and "this too shall pass" and blah blah blah...I have no regrets, only memories and smiles and a beautifully broken heart.

Once you have felt that pain of the loss of your love, you heart will feel broken, and dead. It will feel empty, but always know that every heartbreak you have only means you're a step closer to your real love - Salma Rodriguez